everything is groovy

Life is good. Just very very very busy. down to 344.

Today was a great day!

I feel really happy to be back here writing posts with all of you. I don't know why but damn this really works well for me. What I must remember in the future is to post even when things are not going well. It seems like it becomes all to easy to not post once I haven't posted in a week.

As for today, I did write down everything that I put in my mouth. It made me feel good about myself and I felt more in control of my food. I have found it to be easier to keep a little note book with me rather than post in on line. However I write down my daily calorie count here. 1493 calories. Not to bad!

I did not walk today but instead I worked in my garden for two hours, weeding, pruning and watering all the plants. So that will count as my exercise for the day.

Goals for tomorrow
Shampoo my carpets.
drink lots of water.
write down everything that I eat.

all or nothing.

I am having a hard time leaving comments on other peoples blogs that require word verification. I am not sure if it is just my computer or if it is the website.

My blood sugar level has been good so far. I have not been writing down all my food. I hate taking the time to do it, but damn it, I have to be honest with myself. Keeping track of food is the only thing that works for me.

I quit my classes this semester. I wasn't happy. I think it has a lot to do with perfectionism and not wanting to work hard at something. I seem to quit things that take a lot of effort to excel in. so with that in mind I am going to do my best to work on the suggestions below. My goal tomorrow is to go for a walk and log everything I eat.



* Realistic goals. Set realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and needs and on what you have accomplished in the past. This will enable you to achieve and also will lead to a greater sense of self-esteem.

* Modest improvements. Set subsequent goals in a sequential manner. As you reach a goal, set your next goal one level beyond your present level.

* Try for less than 100%. Experiment with your standards for success. Choose any activity and instead of aiming for 100%, try for 90%, 80%, or even 60% success. This will help you to realize that world does not end when you are not perfect.

* Focus on process. Focus on the process of doing an activity not just on the end result. Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you accomplished but also in terms of how much you enjoyed the task.

* Check your feelings. Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to ask yourself, "Have I set up impossible expectations for myself in this situation?"

* Face your fears. Confront the fears that may be behind your perfectionism by asking yourself, "What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?"

* Celebrate your mistakes. Recognize that many positive things can only be learned by making mistakes. When you make a mistake ask, "What can I learn from this experience?" More specifically, think of a recent mistake you have made and list all the things you can learn from it.

* Discriminate. Avoid all-or-nothing thinking in relation to your goals. Learn to discriminate the tasks you want to give high priority to from those tasks that are less important to you. On less important tasks, choose to put forth less effort.

Letting it all out.

So I was feeling very sick this week with an ear infection. I went to my doctor to get antibiotics. The good news....they finally bought a scale that goes up to 480lbs. The bad news... I had to get on it. 376lbs *sigh* one more pound than when I started. The worst news of all.... I got sick because of my eating habits. I got an ear infection because I have diabetes and I didn't keep it in check. The night before I woke up feeling sick I ate 1.5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting. Damn I wasn't even enjoying it much after the first half pound but I kept on eating it. I want to know why. WHY WHY WHY. I am angry. It seems like I set myself up for failure all the time and I don't understand it. It's the not understanding that makes me so angry. Why do I wait till the last moment to finish a homework assignment? Why do I not got to class knowing that I will fail if I miss one more? Why can't I go to sleep at a normal time even though I know I have to get up early to look for a job. Why do I want to call my ex-boyfriend even though I am pretty sure I don't even cross his mind anymore. Why when I came across our vacation video the other day I couldn't bring myself to throw it away but instead decided to watch it because I missed him. Why can't I let go since I know that I will just keep getting hurt if I continue to think that someday we will get back together.

The only thing I know that I can and have to do right now is keep myself alive by keeping my diabetes in check. So for now, for this week at least my only goal is to remember to test my blood sugar at least four times a day and start righting down what I eat.
I can honestly say that I don't think there are very many people in this world that know me as well as all of you do.

I do not understand. I just don't get it.

I want to thank you for your encouragement to post again. I had dived head first of the wagon and to be honest I was to busy eating and feeling bad about it to post. Every once in a while I would check my email and I would get messages telling my that one of you had responded to my last post from a month ago. I don't understand why you took the time to write. But if you care enough about me to worry a little when I don't write in a while and you haven't even met me, then there must be something about me that I am not seeing. You are wonderful people and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Tomorrow I will weigh and face the music, and I will post it. I will also start doing my food log again. These things and writing in this blog to all of you is what really works. And I know that by returning to this blog I have not lost the fight and I have every right to be proud of myself. I am also so proud of all of you for being caring, and kind, and for not letting me give up.

update

I had a great first week at school. In one of my classes all of the seating was table and chairs. However the other class did have those stupid desks that have the chair attached. Lucky for me they had a little table and chair in the corner. It still is a little embarrassing but it is better than getting stuck. I am loving my American government class. The teacher is great! My Chemistry class is alright.

Diet wise I have been doing ok. I have not been counting calories but I have also not been over eating. The great thing is that I have been exercising everyday and I have no problem at all with night eating anymore.

Going to my first class of the semester tonight

I am heading to class soon. I am a bit nervous. I hope I fit in the desk. I am going a few minutes early so that if I don't fit, no one will see me struggle with it. I look forward to never having to think of this again.

Other than that I am feeling very good today. I took the time and the money to go to the hazard waste management plant to drop off my old dead computer instead of just throwing it in the dumpster at home. I feel like I did a little bit of good for the safety of someone's drinking water.

Thanks for all of your comments. I hope to have time to write to all of you before I go to bed tonight.