Monday, February 23, 2009

Letting it all out.

So I was feeling very sick this week with an ear infection. I went to my doctor to get antibiotics. The good news....they finally bought a scale that goes up to 480lbs. The bad news... I had to get on it. 376lbs *sigh* one more pound than when I started. The worst news of all.... I got sick because of my eating habits. I got an ear infection because I have diabetes and I didn't keep it in check. The night before I woke up feeling sick I ate 1.5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting. Damn I wasn't even enjoying it much after the first half pound but I kept on eating it. I want to know why. WHY WHY WHY. I am angry. It seems like I set myself up for failure all the time and I don't understand it. It's the not understanding that makes me so angry. Why do I wait till the last moment to finish a homework assignment? Why do I not got to class knowing that I will fail if I miss one more? Why can't I go to sleep at a normal time even though I know I have to get up early to look for a job. Why do I want to call my ex-boyfriend even though I am pretty sure I don't even cross his mind anymore. Why when I came across our vacation video the other day I couldn't bring myself to throw it away but instead decided to watch it because I missed him. Why can't I let go since I know that I will just keep getting hurt if I continue to think that someday we will get back together.

The only thing I know that I can and have to do right now is keep myself alive by keeping my diabetes in check. So for now, for this week at least my only goal is to remember to test my blood sugar at least four times a day and start righting down what I eat.
I can honestly say that I don't think there are very many people in this world that know me as well as all of you do.


  1. I am so sorry you're in pain. The trifecta of pain. Physical, mental, emotional. I know what it's like to be there. Spent a lot of my life there and will make return trips, I'm sure. And to think most of it is self inflicted. I want to know why, too, damn it! Whatever the reasons, IT SUCKS.

    You're right to focus on the diabetes for now. That's most important. Logging your food is a great idea, too. Baby steps.

    You can do this. Don't give up.

  2. Sweet Neelith. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know how you feel. I do the same type of things to myself.

    I want to share one thing I discovered about myself this last week. I too have the habit of sabotaging myself with losing weight. I weighed more on my weigh in this past Sunday then when I started in JAN. I discovered that I think I am afraid to be thin. My life coach and I discussed it. Because being thin removes the protective armour that our fat gives us. And OH the responsibility of being successful and even worse being attractive to men. That's alot.Our fat keeps us in that protection of not having to deal with all the things that are scary. Not that being fat doesn't have it's own set of life challanges.

    I am happy that you are taking care of your diabetes first. That is the most important thing. Please be kind to yourself and stop beating yourself up.You do not deserve it. Everything is one step and one day at a time. Progress not perfection.

    Hang in there, you have a lot of support here in these blogs. And blog even if you don't feel like it. Never Give Up!!