everything is groovy

Life is good. Just very very very busy. down to 344.

Today was a great day!

I feel really happy to be back here writing posts with all of you. I don't know why but damn this really works well for me. What I must remember in the future is to post even when things are not going well. It seems like it becomes all to easy to not post once I haven't posted in a week.

As for today, I did write down everything that I put in my mouth. It made me feel good about myself and I felt more in control of my food. I have found it to be easier to keep a little note book with me rather than post in on line. However I write down my daily calorie count here. 1493 calories. Not to bad!

I did not walk today but instead I worked in my garden for two hours, weeding, pruning and watering all the plants. So that will count as my exercise for the day.

Goals for tomorrow
Shampoo my carpets.
drink lots of water.
write down everything that I eat.

all or nothing.

I am having a hard time leaving comments on other peoples blogs that require word verification. I am not sure if it is just my computer or if it is the website.

My blood sugar level has been good so far. I have not been writing down all my food. I hate taking the time to do it, but damn it, I have to be honest with myself. Keeping track of food is the only thing that works for me.

I quit my classes this semester. I wasn't happy. I think it has a lot to do with perfectionism and not wanting to work hard at something. I seem to quit things that take a lot of effort to excel in. so with that in mind I am going to do my best to work on the suggestions below. My goal tomorrow is to go for a walk and log everything I eat.



* Realistic goals. Set realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and needs and on what you have accomplished in the past. This will enable you to achieve and also will lead to a greater sense of self-esteem.

* Modest improvements. Set subsequent goals in a sequential manner. As you reach a goal, set your next goal one level beyond your present level.

* Try for less than 100%. Experiment with your standards for success. Choose any activity and instead of aiming for 100%, try for 90%, 80%, or even 60% success. This will help you to realize that world does not end when you are not perfect.

* Focus on process. Focus on the process of doing an activity not just on the end result. Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you accomplished but also in terms of how much you enjoyed the task.

* Check your feelings. Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to ask yourself, "Have I set up impossible expectations for myself in this situation?"

* Face your fears. Confront the fears that may be behind your perfectionism by asking yourself, "What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?"

* Celebrate your mistakes. Recognize that many positive things can only be learned by making mistakes. When you make a mistake ask, "What can I learn from this experience?" More specifically, think of a recent mistake you have made and list all the things you can learn from it.

* Discriminate. Avoid all-or-nothing thinking in relation to your goals. Learn to discriminate the tasks you want to give high priority to from those tasks that are less important to you. On less important tasks, choose to put forth less effort.

Letting it all out.

So I was feeling very sick this week with an ear infection. I went to my doctor to get antibiotics. The good news....they finally bought a scale that goes up to 480lbs. The bad news... I had to get on it. 376lbs *sigh* one more pound than when I started. The worst news of all.... I got sick because of my eating habits. I got an ear infection because I have diabetes and I didn't keep it in check. The night before I woke up feeling sick I ate 1.5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting. Damn I wasn't even enjoying it much after the first half pound but I kept on eating it. I want to know why. WHY WHY WHY. I am angry. It seems like I set myself up for failure all the time and I don't understand it. It's the not understanding that makes me so angry. Why do I wait till the last moment to finish a homework assignment? Why do I not got to class knowing that I will fail if I miss one more? Why can't I go to sleep at a normal time even though I know I have to get up early to look for a job. Why do I want to call my ex-boyfriend even though I am pretty sure I don't even cross his mind anymore. Why when I came across our vacation video the other day I couldn't bring myself to throw it away but instead decided to watch it because I missed him. Why can't I let go since I know that I will just keep getting hurt if I continue to think that someday we will get back together.

The only thing I know that I can and have to do right now is keep myself alive by keeping my diabetes in check. So for now, for this week at least my only goal is to remember to test my blood sugar at least four times a day and start righting down what I eat.
I can honestly say that I don't think there are very many people in this world that know me as well as all of you do.

I do not understand. I just don't get it.

I want to thank you for your encouragement to post again. I had dived head first of the wagon and to be honest I was to busy eating and feeling bad about it to post. Every once in a while I would check my email and I would get messages telling my that one of you had responded to my last post from a month ago. I don't understand why you took the time to write. But if you care enough about me to worry a little when I don't write in a while and you haven't even met me, then there must be something about me that I am not seeing. You are wonderful people and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Tomorrow I will weigh and face the music, and I will post it. I will also start doing my food log again. These things and writing in this blog to all of you is what really works. And I know that by returning to this blog I have not lost the fight and I have every right to be proud of myself. I am also so proud of all of you for being caring, and kind, and for not letting me give up.

update

I had a great first week at school. In one of my classes all of the seating was table and chairs. However the other class did have those stupid desks that have the chair attached. Lucky for me they had a little table and chair in the corner. It still is a little embarrassing but it is better than getting stuck. I am loving my American government class. The teacher is great! My Chemistry class is alright.

Diet wise I have been doing ok. I have not been counting calories but I have also not been over eating. The great thing is that I have been exercising everyday and I have no problem at all with night eating anymore.

Going to my first class of the semester tonight

I am heading to class soon. I am a bit nervous. I hope I fit in the desk. I am going a few minutes early so that if I don't fit, no one will see me struggle with it. I look forward to never having to think of this again.

Other than that I am feeling very good today. I took the time and the money to go to the hazard waste management plant to drop off my old dead computer instead of just throwing it in the dumpster at home. I feel like I did a little bit of good for the safety of someone's drinking water.

Thanks for all of your comments. I hope to have time to write to all of you before I go to bed tonight.

Busy Busy Busy

I have been so busy getting reading for school which starts Tuesday that I forgot to post my weight lost. I didn't weigh last week due to pms so my weight loss for the last 2 weeks is 12lbs!!! I am saying good by to my 370's and one pound shy of saying good by to my 360's!!!

Goals for next week

log my food no matter how busy I am.

Keep up with my homework for school if I have any.

Continue to not eat at night. I almost don't even think about it any more.

stay on top of my laundry. I am starting the begining of the week with an empty hamper and I would like to end my week with an empty hanger.

work out 5 times this week.

This has been a very rewarding week. I feel good and energetic. I met all of the goals I set last week. I also started taking an iron supplement and I don't feel sluggish anymore. The house is clean. I have every thing I need for school and I am ready to hit the ground running this week!

No worries

Everything is going very very well. I have just been extremely busy. I will update tomorrow since it is my weigh in day. I will leave you with some great news. I have not had one binge and I have not done any night eating. yay!

Last night was horrible......this morning pure joy!

Well it started around midnight. I couldn't sleep and I wanted to eat. I tossed and turned. That didn't help. I sat on the edge of my bed, rocking back and forth and sobbing. I wanted to eat so bad. I felt like my only salvation was sleep and I just could not fall asleep. So I got up and walked into the kitchen. I looked at the fridge and walked away crying. I was not going to go down that path again. Then I paced back and forth in my living room for what must of been an hour. I went back to my room around 4:00am turned on the t.v. and finally fell asleep around 5:00am.

This morning I felt very tired but happier than I have felt in years. This was huge for me. 90% of my overeating comes from eating at night. I use to eat a half box of cereal with a half a quart of milk and load it with raisins and sugar.That was around midnight. Then if I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom I would head to the kitchen and open a can of chili and take it to bed with me and eat the whole thing out of the can. Sometimes I would grab 2 things of crackers and a jar of peanut butter and eat it till I passed out.

I realize now that I used food as a comfort tool to fall asleep, kind of like how one gives a bottle of warm milk to a baby before bed time.

Tonight my new comfort will be all the support you guys have given me and the joy I know I will have when I wake up in the morning because I made it another night.

you guys are wonderful and I am so greatful to have you in my life.

Great Day!

I am heading to bed now to avoid the munchies. I am very thankful for all of your support. I had a great day. I stayed on track with food and water intake. I also got a little walking in. I plan to not snack tonight. I know it will get easier and I will feel better about me with each small step. After seeing the Biggest Loser I know I can step up my activity tomorrow. Good night everyone. sleep well. Tomorrow is a brand new day!

what an awful night, but I made it all night with out eating.

It was horrible. I tossed and turned all night. Eating at night has really become a habit. I even had dreams of eating. At one point I got up to go to the bathroom and found myself heading for the kitchen. I am proud to say I stopped myself. I was so happy when morning came! I can't remember the last time I made it all night with out eating something. This is a huge breakthrough for me because I eat most of my calories in the middle of the night. Thank you all for your support. Reading about your good days and rough days has helped me so much to come forward and face my problems and be honest about them. You are all an inspiration to keep going and never give up.

cravings

I really want to eat something right now. For years midnight snacking has been a daily activity. Tonight it ends. I have had plenty of good things to eat today and I know my body doesn't need anymore food. It has become such a habit that I could set my clock to my nightly food urges. My stomach is grumbly but I know it is a mental thing. So for now there is only one option. I am going to bed with out stopping by the fridge! Good night and good luck tomorrow.

water,salt, and being a woman just don't mix sometimes.

There is honestly no point in getting on the scale this week. I didn't binge but I did eat some sunflower seeds as a health snack because I was craving something salty. However I did not keep in mind the time of month it was. The next day I woke up retaining so much water that even my fingers were swollen. Note to ones self STAY AWAY FROM THE SALT. LOL. As far as my goals for last week the only one I didn't follow was writing 3 times a week. I did drink water and I did do active things. And I did not beat myself up for not completing my goals. All in all I feel pretty damn good. I did find out this week that I have pre-diabetes. Just more of a reason to get healthy.

Goals for this week.
keep track of food intake, water intake, and activity level(idea taken from stages of change)
sign up for spring semester
no eating in bed.
no candy
set reminder on phone to weigh in on sunday morning before I eat.
look for job.


I feel like this is going to be a great week